Hot on my trail
/
There's a disease called Meniere's Disease. It's nasty and unpredictable. It causes hearing loss, ringing in the ears (Tinnitus) and vertigo. I was "diagnosed" with it just under 4 years ago. The first doc I described my symptoms to said it was this, hands down. Over the next 9 months I had recurring hearing loss that worsened around the time of a vertigo attack, every 3 weeks. I was disheartened, frustrated, confused and scared. I was completely unable to function during the vertigo attacks, that for some people can me mild and last only minutes. For me they typically lasted no shorter than 4 hours, the first one being nearly 9 hours long. Violent vomiting accompanied it, and I was given zofran to take each time after that when I felt an attack coming on. I was unable to care for my boys (2 1/2 and newborn at the time) and felt myself slipping into depression. It was always on my mind: when would the next attack occur, where would I be, could I get my boys to safety first if I was driving, how long would it last, would there be anyone there to help me?
Satan fed on this time period of my life and whispered all sorts of nasty lies to me. Lies that my husband would lose interest in me because I wasn't able to be the wife he was used to, and I would become such a burden to him. Fears that we would have to hire someone to come raise our children while my husband was at work and I was completely debilitated in bed. Some people with the disease are completely debilitated, most of the time. These fears are very real and happening for some individuals with the disease.
The discouragement and battle lasted for 9 months. We moved to FL, where my vertigo attacks seemed to lessen in severity (but not frequency), but my hearing was not returning to normal in between each attack. In fact, it was all together disappearing my effected ear. I was feeling desperate. I tried a low sodium diet, which seemingly had NO effect what so ever. I saw specialists, was hearing tested for the disease, read everything I could. The hearing test showed a negative result for the disease, but this wasn't surprising as the only time the result can be 100% reliable is DURING a vertigo attack, which is essentially impossible since they are unpredictable and debilitating. I was exhausted, slipping into depression and feeling quite angry that God was allowing this to occur in my life.
I fasted. For just a day. The answer was loud and clear. Stop eating gluten.
I wasn't sure if it was an obedience issue or an actual food issue he was revealing to me, but I did. Within about 36 hours my tinnitus seemed to lessen. I was shaking because I had so much energy. Within weeks it was clear that it was having a drastic effect on whatever had been occuring with my left inner ear. My hearing slowly returned to almost normal, and was effected each time in accidentally ate something containing or contaminated with gluten. It's been that way now for just over three years. Seasonal allergies, upper respiratory infections and gluten seem to all play a roll in how my left ear is faring. I even started to joke that my "ear vice" was crushing this or that. Anytime it would stuff up, I seemed to be avoiding the full onset of other symptoms of a cold or infection that those around me were experiencing. My left ear seemed to take the brunt of whatever my immune system was currently dealing with. The ENT that I was seeing at Eglin AFB told me multiple times that he was doubtful that it was Meniere's, considering all these facts. At the time, he had several patients with the disease and had even performed several Meniere's surgeries for those effected drasticallly by the disease.
Fast forward to this past Sunday. It's no foreign territory for me to feel like my left ear is "stuffing up". But I could tell this time was different. Typically is stuffs for a day or so and then just.....un stuffs. My hearing returns to normal. No "hissing" sounds and no vertigo. And I've always been able to link it to something. A cold, running out of allergy medication and going without for a few days. Eating something with gluten. etc. On Sunday I couldn't blame anything. And it worsened. By yesterday afternoon (Monday) I knew something wasn't right. This wasn't the normal course it takes, since I've gone gluten free. I feel like I can remember having tiny little bouts here and there, with just one "attack"ish seeming thing. Every.....maybe 9 months or so. ? I do remember there being times just like right now. Times of panic and fighting off the fear that I'm diving back into the every three weeks being totally out of it for days at a time. There is some SERIOUS exhaustion that takes place after the attacks. The attack is typically only a few hours long, but the recovery lasts for days, and by the time my hearing would finally return to normal, I'd have another.
I don't know if I have Meniere's. Those with it that read this would probably say that, yes, I do. It screwy, it's confusing, it's frightening, it's discouraging.
The fears that I fight? The fears that Satan hisses into my ear each time this happens?
The unknown - I "know" it will happen again, I just don't know when. Not ideal with little ones that depend on me!
That I will become such a burden on my husband that he'll just lost interest. That I'll become more work than I'm worth. That I won't be able to bless him in the ways that I love to bless him. This is totally ridiculous and unfair to him. For me to put that on him. To think that he would be so shallow. Satan is no idiot. He knows what to target and how to target it. He knows that I spent much of my childhood fearing my parents seeming inevitable divorce. He whispers to me, "See? I TOLD you so! I TOLD you all those nights in your dreams when you woke up crying. I was RIGHT! So why wouldn't I be right about THIS?! You DO have the disease and it WILL take over your life! You won't be able to raise your own children! You will be a huge burden on your husband! You will lose the ability to hear the music you love, the birds that delight you and the beautiful sound of your children's voices!"
Yes, people. It's nasty stuff! Fear has been a dangling noose for me since I can remember. He's hot on my trail. It's a daily battle for me! Some people battle addiction to this, that and the other. My battle is fear. And it is constant. So when something like this arises, where my complete lack of control is staring me in the face - he FEASTS on it! The battle is exhausting! I KNOW its him!
I also KNOW that God is sovereign!
I KNOW that IF I do have this ridiculous disease...this product of the fall of man....I KNOW he will provide! It may suck, royally, but HE WILL PROVIDE!
I KNOW that I will spend the whole of eternity with Him, regardless of the trials I face here! I KNOW I WILL!
And see, all this just from a VERY mild bout with vertigo and hearing loss. Yes, I'm tired. Yes, I'm pregnant. Yes, I have a VERY long and taxing trip back to the States staring me in the face. Yes, all those contribute.
The reason I write this? Because I feel weak. I need support. I need prayer. I feel too exhausted to fight this bastard on my own! On the cusp of this trip - it just seems like too much to experience. Too much to deal with. It might go nowhere! It might be another 9 months until I deal with anything like this again! There's NO way to know. But regardless, he feeds me that fear. And fighting it is SO tiring! I'm wiped out. Please pray with me. I don't know how to get through another bout of unpredictable and debilitating vertigo attacks like I did almost 4 years ago. But I know that if I must, He will provide.
So this is me, in the thick of a very real spiritual attack. Being honest. Being open. Asking for help.
Satan fed on this time period of my life and whispered all sorts of nasty lies to me. Lies that my husband would lose interest in me because I wasn't able to be the wife he was used to, and I would become such a burden to him. Fears that we would have to hire someone to come raise our children while my husband was at work and I was completely debilitated in bed. Some people with the disease are completely debilitated, most of the time. These fears are very real and happening for some individuals with the disease.
The discouragement and battle lasted for 9 months. We moved to FL, where my vertigo attacks seemed to lessen in severity (but not frequency), but my hearing was not returning to normal in between each attack. In fact, it was all together disappearing my effected ear. I was feeling desperate. I tried a low sodium diet, which seemingly had NO effect what so ever. I saw specialists, was hearing tested for the disease, read everything I could. The hearing test showed a negative result for the disease, but this wasn't surprising as the only time the result can be 100% reliable is DURING a vertigo attack, which is essentially impossible since they are unpredictable and debilitating. I was exhausted, slipping into depression and feeling quite angry that God was allowing this to occur in my life.
I fasted. For just a day. The answer was loud and clear. Stop eating gluten.
I wasn't sure if it was an obedience issue or an actual food issue he was revealing to me, but I did. Within about 36 hours my tinnitus seemed to lessen. I was shaking because I had so much energy. Within weeks it was clear that it was having a drastic effect on whatever had been occuring with my left inner ear. My hearing slowly returned to almost normal, and was effected each time in accidentally ate something containing or contaminated with gluten. It's been that way now for just over three years. Seasonal allergies, upper respiratory infections and gluten seem to all play a roll in how my left ear is faring. I even started to joke that my "ear vice" was crushing this or that. Anytime it would stuff up, I seemed to be avoiding the full onset of other symptoms of a cold or infection that those around me were experiencing. My left ear seemed to take the brunt of whatever my immune system was currently dealing with. The ENT that I was seeing at Eglin AFB told me multiple times that he was doubtful that it was Meniere's, considering all these facts. At the time, he had several patients with the disease and had even performed several Meniere's surgeries for those effected drasticallly by the disease.
Fast forward to this past Sunday. It's no foreign territory for me to feel like my left ear is "stuffing up". But I could tell this time was different. Typically is stuffs for a day or so and then just.....un stuffs. My hearing returns to normal. No "hissing" sounds and no vertigo. And I've always been able to link it to something. A cold, running out of allergy medication and going without for a few days. Eating something with gluten. etc. On Sunday I couldn't blame anything. And it worsened. By yesterday afternoon (Monday) I knew something wasn't right. This wasn't the normal course it takes, since I've gone gluten free. I feel like I can remember having tiny little bouts here and there, with just one "attack"ish seeming thing. Every.....maybe 9 months or so. ? I do remember there being times just like right now. Times of panic and fighting off the fear that I'm diving back into the every three weeks being totally out of it for days at a time. There is some SERIOUS exhaustion that takes place after the attacks. The attack is typically only a few hours long, but the recovery lasts for days, and by the time my hearing would finally return to normal, I'd have another.
I don't know if I have Meniere's. Those with it that read this would probably say that, yes, I do. It screwy, it's confusing, it's frightening, it's discouraging.
The fears that I fight? The fears that Satan hisses into my ear each time this happens?
The unknown - I "know" it will happen again, I just don't know when. Not ideal with little ones that depend on me!
That I will become such a burden on my husband that he'll just lost interest. That I'll become more work than I'm worth. That I won't be able to bless him in the ways that I love to bless him. This is totally ridiculous and unfair to him. For me to put that on him. To think that he would be so shallow. Satan is no idiot. He knows what to target and how to target it. He knows that I spent much of my childhood fearing my parents seeming inevitable divorce. He whispers to me, "See? I TOLD you so! I TOLD you all those nights in your dreams when you woke up crying. I was RIGHT! So why wouldn't I be right about THIS?! You DO have the disease and it WILL take over your life! You won't be able to raise your own children! You will be a huge burden on your husband! You will lose the ability to hear the music you love, the birds that delight you and the beautiful sound of your children's voices!"
Yes, people. It's nasty stuff! Fear has been a dangling noose for me since I can remember. He's hot on my trail. It's a daily battle for me! Some people battle addiction to this, that and the other. My battle is fear. And it is constant. So when something like this arises, where my complete lack of control is staring me in the face - he FEASTS on it! The battle is exhausting! I KNOW its him!
I also KNOW that God is sovereign!
I KNOW that IF I do have this ridiculous disease...this product of the fall of man....I KNOW he will provide! It may suck, royally, but HE WILL PROVIDE!
I KNOW that I will spend the whole of eternity with Him, regardless of the trials I face here! I KNOW I WILL!
And see, all this just from a VERY mild bout with vertigo and hearing loss. Yes, I'm tired. Yes, I'm pregnant. Yes, I have a VERY long and taxing trip back to the States staring me in the face. Yes, all those contribute.
The reason I write this? Because I feel weak. I need support. I need prayer. I feel too exhausted to fight this bastard on my own! On the cusp of this trip - it just seems like too much to experience. Too much to deal with. It might go nowhere! It might be another 9 months until I deal with anything like this again! There's NO way to know. But regardless, he feeds me that fear. And fighting it is SO tiring! I'm wiped out. Please pray with me. I don't know how to get through another bout of unpredictable and debilitating vertigo attacks like I did almost 4 years ago. But I know that if I must, He will provide.
So this is me, in the thick of a very real spiritual attack. Being honest. Being open. Asking for help.