Stomach it
/
With each move I've realized that I've carried a bit of doubt that I will make friends that will heal the empty spots that leaving my last friends left.
With each leave, there's a tiny piece of my heart that stays behind with them.
Leaving hurts.
Leaving is happening again, and so soon.
Florida was our longest amount of time in one place since we got married 10 years ago (at the end of this month) - I've left a lot. And it hasn't gotten any easier.
Leaving Florida I think I felt certain that finding, rather allowing myself to attach to friendships again was going to be nearly impossible. We met a couple when we initially got here, but regardless of the efforts made on both sides for the first 6 months or so, nothing really came of it. And there were friendships that I formed that had the face to face season of them abruptly end as those friends moved off the island. And there was that sweet acquaintance that volunteered to help me fly my brood and my 35 week pregnant self over the ocean and all the way to Denver, just before Christmas. I really enjoyed our time together but I had very little in common and with her, as with my other acquaintance, nothing much seemed to be developing. There was deepness missing - there was vulnerability and honesty that I so desperately wanted, but time wasn't being made for that to happen and I found myself just barreling through our time here - eagerly anticipating being done and moving on - maybe deep friendship, vulnerability and raw openess would happen at our next place. This is how I viewed them, and all of this before intentionality prompted by one of them changed everything.
One day in November one of them said they were going to start a book study together and wanted me to join them. In my heart I shrugged and thought, sure, why not. I'm not much of a reader, but it's time out of the house and I have Manuela here to help me with the boys on days we meet and I know I should be doing a Bible study of sorts with some girls, so sure.
The first time we met was more refreshing than I'd anticipated. I didn't want to go that morning when I got out of bed. I tried to think of excuses to type to them on facebook messenger of why I wouldn't be making it. But I went and was immensely blessed, and I cried on my way home from our couple of hours together.
I could tell God was orchestrating something beautiful. And He certainly did. That is His specialty, after all.
We met for the next two months, all going here and there for holidays and family visits, and worked our way through the book and scripture and grew closer to our creator and closer to each other. We finished the book, went with nothing for a few weeks and all three started really missing our time together. The rapidly approaching separation date of the first one of us to leave the island loomed over our heads and we decided to get very intentional about meeting together, just the three of us, without kids, every week if possible.
It all happened so quickly and was just so beautifully crafted by the One who knows our three hearts better than anyone. Our three hearts who all three have very different hurts, needs and desires. I have four boys, Hannah has one 3 year old girl and a little boy just 4 months younger than Luke, and Shelby has no children yet, and it content without them for now. Our personalities are vastly different - our styles in clothing and decorating are vastly different - our gifts and passions are vastly different - but our love for our Savior is the same and he used us to sharpen each other in ways that I could not have anticipated being sharpened by girls that are so different from me.
We went shopping together in a nearby town yesterday and as we were driving home the girls mentioned ideas for our time together on Friday - our last day together. A wave of nausea blind sided me and I feared having to ask Hannah to pull over so I could vomit. I've never gotten nauseous so quickly. I've always harbored stress in my stomach, so it was no surprise to me once I finally figured out what caused it. I was queasy for the rest of the afternoon, knowing what the evening held.
We met last night for our small group. Our last night together for group before Shelby leaves for vacation for 2 weeks and gets home the night before Pech's move to the States. I've done well with denying the inevitable, and we even got to keep Pech's here for an extra four weeks due to circumstances with Gabe's job on base, but it still came faster than I'd hoped.
We sat around the table last night and enjoyed our last meal together as a small group. I wept as I shared my prayer request of desiring to know how to grieve in a healthy way -
to grieve the loss of this group God so unexpectedly and beautiful put together
-to grieve the loss of face to face time with some of the closest girlfriends I've had
-to grieve the loss of this season of our lives - this incredible place we live and the treasured memories I have of our boys here, in our yard and around our "adventures" that we take together.
I just never expected to love this place so entirely.
I never expected to treasure it as much as I treasured our time in Florida.
I never expected to feel physically sick about leaving it.
I never expected to have a nanny and housekeeper that would become so much a part of our family.
I didn't expect any of it.
That's the way God works - beautifully and perfectly, crafting our lives more beautifully than we could expect.
How I long for the day of no more leaving - of no more sickness in leaving - of no more tears - of no more pain -
Just perfect unity. Forever.
With each leave, there's a tiny piece of my heart that stays behind with them.
Leaving hurts.
Leaving is happening again, and so soon.
Florida was our longest amount of time in one place since we got married 10 years ago (at the end of this month) - I've left a lot. And it hasn't gotten any easier.
Leaving Florida I think I felt certain that finding, rather allowing myself to attach to friendships again was going to be nearly impossible. We met a couple when we initially got here, but regardless of the efforts made on both sides for the first 6 months or so, nothing really came of it. And there were friendships that I formed that had the face to face season of them abruptly end as those friends moved off the island. And there was that sweet acquaintance that volunteered to help me fly my brood and my 35 week pregnant self over the ocean and all the way to Denver, just before Christmas. I really enjoyed our time together but I had very little in common and with her, as with my other acquaintance, nothing much seemed to be developing. There was deepness missing - there was vulnerability and honesty that I so desperately wanted, but time wasn't being made for that to happen and I found myself just barreling through our time here - eagerly anticipating being done and moving on - maybe deep friendship, vulnerability and raw openess would happen at our next place. This is how I viewed them, and all of this before intentionality prompted by one of them changed everything.
One day in November one of them said they were going to start a book study together and wanted me to join them. In my heart I shrugged and thought, sure, why not. I'm not much of a reader, but it's time out of the house and I have Manuela here to help me with the boys on days we meet and I know I should be doing a Bible study of sorts with some girls, so sure.
The first time we met was more refreshing than I'd anticipated. I didn't want to go that morning when I got out of bed. I tried to think of excuses to type to them on facebook messenger of why I wouldn't be making it. But I went and was immensely blessed, and I cried on my way home from our couple of hours together.
I could tell God was orchestrating something beautiful. And He certainly did. That is His specialty, after all.
We met for the next two months, all going here and there for holidays and family visits, and worked our way through the book and scripture and grew closer to our creator and closer to each other. We finished the book, went with nothing for a few weeks and all three started really missing our time together. The rapidly approaching separation date of the first one of us to leave the island loomed over our heads and we decided to get very intentional about meeting together, just the three of us, without kids, every week if possible.
It all happened so quickly and was just so beautifully crafted by the One who knows our three hearts better than anyone. Our three hearts who all three have very different hurts, needs and desires. I have four boys, Hannah has one 3 year old girl and a little boy just 4 months younger than Luke, and Shelby has no children yet, and it content without them for now. Our personalities are vastly different - our styles in clothing and decorating are vastly different - our gifts and passions are vastly different - but our love for our Savior is the same and he used us to sharpen each other in ways that I could not have anticipated being sharpened by girls that are so different from me.
We went shopping together in a nearby town yesterday and as we were driving home the girls mentioned ideas for our time together on Friday - our last day together. A wave of nausea blind sided me and I feared having to ask Hannah to pull over so I could vomit. I've never gotten nauseous so quickly. I've always harbored stress in my stomach, so it was no surprise to me once I finally figured out what caused it. I was queasy for the rest of the afternoon, knowing what the evening held.
We met last night for our small group. Our last night together for group before Shelby leaves for vacation for 2 weeks and gets home the night before Pech's move to the States. I've done well with denying the inevitable, and we even got to keep Pech's here for an extra four weeks due to circumstances with Gabe's job on base, but it still came faster than I'd hoped.
We sat around the table last night and enjoyed our last meal together as a small group. I wept as I shared my prayer request of desiring to know how to grieve in a healthy way -
to grieve the loss of this group God so unexpectedly and beautiful put together
-to grieve the loss of face to face time with some of the closest girlfriends I've had
-to grieve the loss of this season of our lives - this incredible place we live and the treasured memories I have of our boys here, in our yard and around our "adventures" that we take together.
I just never expected to love this place so entirely.
I never expected to treasure it as much as I treasured our time in Florida.
I never expected to feel physically sick about leaving it.
I never expected to have a nanny and housekeeper that would become so much a part of our family.
I didn't expect any of it.
That's the way God works - beautifully and perfectly, crafting our lives more beautifully than we could expect.
How I long for the day of no more leaving - of no more sickness in leaving - of no more tears - of no more pain -
Just perfect unity. Forever.