Gentle grace

Oops.  Forgot to post this on the 12th.

I'm slow today, in many respects.  In body, in mind and in creativity.  

I've been noticeably off balance (more than usual) since Saturday but didn't really think much of it since my left ear wasn't "stuffing up" like it usually does at the beginning of a Menieres attack.  It's no doubt an attack, be it ever so mild.  It was worse yesterday than on Saturday and I woke up with a heavy "bobble head" and that all too familiar fog brain that accompanies it. 
 I am ever so grateful for the Lord's graciousness with me in this disease that only he knows how and is fully able to heal but continues to choose not to for whatever beautiful reason he has.  I have to force myself to focus on the beauty in this affliction, for the despair that it can cause is a very real threat if I look only with my worldly eyes at the bodily consequences it's destruction holds for me.  I can praise the Lord for the ways he loves me in and through this, or I can look on with anxiety and fear, as I did for many years, at a disease in my earthly body that can be a catalyst for a more intimate knowing of my Creator and His utter sufficiency or that can hurl me into a downward spiral of mistrust, bitterness and pride.  It is a daily battle, indeed, and an hourly one on days like today.  He shows his mercies in beautiful ways.  I'm sitting here in the sunshine in my dining room chair thinking through it and recognize it as a form of grace. I'm forced to slow way down when my head is like this.  It gives me terrible brain fog and saps my creativity, but sometimes that is so very much needed to slow me down enough to get needed things done. Like hanging out with my boys and cleaning, instead of making another craft project.   And the boys have been surprisingly quiet today. And calm. The Lord slows them down when he slows me down. I am so thankful for that.  With that slowing down comes time for reflection, and sitting in the sunlight, and writing and talking quietly with a boy that comes out from naptime while everyone else is still asleep.  And it gives time for writing and looking through pictures of the life our gracious Father has given us.