The night before

I've not had a scheduled induction this far in advance before.  I haven't known for this long before having one of my boys exactly the day that it would happen.  Elijah I knew the day before, because my OB told me we'd induce the next day.  But that was it.  

We came to Colorado, the three little boys and I, on the 3rd of December.  Without our man of the house to help with that transition.  We had three whirlwind weeks of adjusting to the 6 hour time difference, inconsistent schedules, no present daddy or husband, sickness, sub zero temperatures for the first time EVER in the boys' lives and having to learn to play INside all the time.  And then Josh got here.  And then the stomach bug ran rampant through the house.  And then it was Christmas.  And then I got the stomach bug and bruised a rib while vomiting one of the most violent heaving vomits I've ever experienced.  All the while having tiny feet prance upon my queezy stomach and keep me from getting a really good bend over to comfortably (if that's even possible) heave.  The last few days have been spent recovering from the upper and lower GI misery, and trying to ignore the fact that I haven't had a truly restful night sleep in over a month and the consistent afternoon slight vertigo/unbalance that I've felt.  I don't write this to complain.  I write to document.  

There has been little to NO time to process.  

I'm not at home.

The boys are not themselves.  Judah kicked me in the shin twice and yelled at me tonight when I asked him, calmly, to eat more of his chicken. He's not himself.  I think he's expressing outwardly how we are all feeling inwardly.  Just not....normal.  

I've been on the verge of tears all day.  It's really sunk in.  I rocked Joel tonight and relished the last night of rocking him as the "baby" of the family.  2 1/2 solid years, he held the position strong.  

I know I've felt it before.  I know the emotions have flooded before.  I know I've fretted before and been unsure before.

I'm just not sure I'm ready.  I don't know if my heart has the capacity to love another tiny human as much as I love the current air breathing tiny humans that already run circles around me daily.  

I am SO ready to have my torso back.  I'm significantly more uncomfortable here at the end of this pregnancy than I remember being with any of the others.  Part of that probably has to do largely with the wicked stomach bug that is still working it's way out.  

I remember bringing the other boys home and wondering how it felt complete without them.  

I remember my heart just bursting with each one.

I remember being blessed more and more each passing day with the blessing of their precious little spirits and their presence in our lives.

I expect that again.             But it doesn't change my apprehension about how the family dynamic is about to drastically change, again.  I don't feel ready for Joel to not be the baby, though I know it's high time.   I don't feel ready to be up night after night and fight to keep my composure during the day with the other three little boys who desperately need to know that their mama still has space for them in her heart.  I don't feel ready to be in charge of protecting and providing for a tiny, helpless human, once again.  

It's my fourth time, and just like each time before, I just don't feel ready.  

And then there's that apprehension.  That nagging that I've had for months.  That hitch in my spirit that told me to come here to have the baby.  I don't know why, but I listened.  

It could be nothing at all - just for the sake of having support of many people for a few weeks.  

He gives me not a spirit of fear.   I beg for a sound mind.  

The good news is that my Creator, this baby's creator, has already foreseen the entire day's events.  He already knows the outcome.  He knows what he's equipped me for.  He knows my heart.  He's prepared the way.  I walk in faith, knowing that.  

Knowing all that.