Grace. That is all.
/
Some day are desperate days.
Today is.
It's a desperate day.
Some days I don' t know how to be a mother to four boys. To four little boys.
Some days I don't know how to stop expecting too much of my six year old. He is, after all, ONLY SIX!
Some days I don't have a crap clue how to teach him the things I am supposed to teach him in our schooling at home.
To read. I am certain at times that I WOULD actually feel better if I ripped all my hair out and smashed a window.
That's how hard it is to teach him to read. I can't compare it to teaching anyone else to read because I've never taught anyone else to read. But I know that teaching HIM to read is often times nearly more than I can withstand.
I have no fond memories of learning how to read. I imagine it was as frustrating for me as it is for him. His mind is rarely with the task at hand. I watch in wonderment as he reads through half of ONE WORD and gets distracted. Most often by daydreaming. I remember that. Daydreaming about all the glorious things I could make out of the heaps of scavenged trash I had stashed in my bedroom closet. Sitting still to learn to read - sitting still to read seemed a colossal waste of time.
I know it's not. I know its important. But I STILL find it a challenge. I will listen to audio books until kingdom come, but "curling up with a good book" sounds not much better than solitary confinement.
There's that. The schooling of my oldest. He doesn't really like to try. That's the other part about it. I can tell he gets frustrated with not being able to stay focused. I can tell he tries to stay focused. But I can also tell when he checks out and just doesn't give a rip and doesn't try. I know it, because I do it.
In my mother-in-law's words, "You know why he makes you so crazy?! Because he's.exactly.like.YOU!" In so many ways, yes. I understand that part of him. The part taht is like me, but it makes me crazy. Why is it that it does?! NO idea. Why do people that are the most like us make us the most crazy?!
He's got a heart of GOLD, that one. His longing to be near to his Creator, to HEAR his Creator is unlike any child his age I've seen. When he is corrected, he is truly contrite.
But he's SIX. So he acts like he's SIX. A six year old boy, complete with a seemingly endless array of horribly obnoxious noises and play voices. And absentmindedness.
I'm really good at being creative with my hands. I've spend most of my life making things. Really just for the sake of making things. It helps me feel sane. Connected. Like I'm practicing at a gift I've been given. I have NO idea how to be creative in my mothering. I have NO idea how to be creative in my discipline and in my encouragement and in my enthusiasm of yet another day of junk strewn everywhere, high pitched screechy boy noises coming from the four corners of the house
So there's that.
Some days I don't know how to be patient with my four year old who won't stop lying. Blatantly. About most things. For NO REASON AT ALL! That child does something to my heart, HAS done something to my heart since the very day he was born that I cannot figure out. I cannot describe. I love him intensely. But he tests the bounds of my patience.
Some days I don't know how to have the energy to help my two year old through his bouts of anger that he doesn't understand. Through the screaming and selfishness that comes with being two. Through the grabbing and "mine" attitude. And he's a REALLY.EASY two year old.
Some days I want to throw the towel in on the breast feeding thing and just be done, even though it's going wonderfully. I'd still have to SIT and feed Luke. But for some reason it seems like it would be easier to not have to hike my shirt up every 3 hours. It wouldn't. But it feels like it would.
So many days I don't know how to organize my thoughts and settle them down. I don't know how to prioritize my time and my days and my creative energy that I can't seem to use.
So many project ideas. SO many things I want to make, and sew, and document with my camera.
Some days I feel junky because I haven't exercised more than picking the baby up for several days in a row, but WHY would I spend time doing that instead of making something.
AND WHEN DO I DO A QUIET TIME?!
Some days I feel like a crap dump wife because I didn't even find, (take) the time to read the synopsis my husband posted to our Facebook small group page so I know what our discussion for that week is going to be! I FEEL like there's NOT TIME!
HOW IS THERE TIME FOR THAT?!!
How do mothers find time?
How do I not screw my kids up?
How do I continue day in and day out to be patient and gracious with four little crazy people?
How do I not become an angry mom?
How do I push away every ounce of selfishness that still remains?!
HOW do I be ok with the fact that my husband wants to do overseas medical missions. How do I obey the calling I feel I have to have a large family.
THATS THE OTHER THING!
I don't understand WHY! I don't understand WHY God picked ME to have a "large" family! I don't think I CAN understand. I can't see the big picture in this one. I know, almost with full certainty, that Luke isn't our last child. I love my flock of tiny crazy little chicks, but wouldn't ONE have been so much easier!? But to pick just ONE of them! No way! I want more and I DON'T.KNOW.WHY!!!!
And people look at me like I'm crazy when I say we probably aren't done. Some of my FAMILY looks at me like I'm crazy. They've all but TOLD me that I'm crazy. That WE are crazy. They don't understand it. And I don't blame them, because I don't either.
They make me crazy.
I often feel like I live with wild animals.
I want SO badly to do right by my tiny boys. To train them up in the way that they each INDIVIDUALLY must go. That means parenting each one differently. 6 1/2 years into this gig and I am JUST now starting to SORT of figure out a tiny bit of that. To raise up boys that will shout His name from the mountain tops and proclaim His glory to all nations. THEY are my mission field, and they.are.so.difficult. And I have REALLY good boys!
Today is desperate day.
And you older mothers. You mothers that no longer have small children, pray for us. Pray for us mothers with small children. Our world's tiny next ups needs a lot of prayer. Their mamas need a lot of prayer. These days are blessed. But these are desperate days.
It is by His grace. And that is all.
Today is.
It's a desperate day.
Some days I don' t know how to be a mother to four boys. To four little boys.
Some days I don't know how to stop expecting too much of my six year old. He is, after all, ONLY SIX!
Some days I don't have a crap clue how to teach him the things I am supposed to teach him in our schooling at home.
To read. I am certain at times that I WOULD actually feel better if I ripped all my hair out and smashed a window.
That's how hard it is to teach him to read. I can't compare it to teaching anyone else to read because I've never taught anyone else to read. But I know that teaching HIM to read is often times nearly more than I can withstand.
I have no fond memories of learning how to read. I imagine it was as frustrating for me as it is for him. His mind is rarely with the task at hand. I watch in wonderment as he reads through half of ONE WORD and gets distracted. Most often by daydreaming. I remember that. Daydreaming about all the glorious things I could make out of the heaps of scavenged trash I had stashed in my bedroom closet. Sitting still to learn to read - sitting still to read seemed a colossal waste of time.
I know it's not. I know its important. But I STILL find it a challenge. I will listen to audio books until kingdom come, but "curling up with a good book" sounds not much better than solitary confinement.
There's that. The schooling of my oldest. He doesn't really like to try. That's the other part about it. I can tell he gets frustrated with not being able to stay focused. I can tell he tries to stay focused. But I can also tell when he checks out and just doesn't give a rip and doesn't try. I know it, because I do it.
In my mother-in-law's words, "You know why he makes you so crazy?! Because he's.exactly.like.YOU!" In so many ways, yes. I understand that part of him. The part taht is like me, but it makes me crazy. Why is it that it does?! NO idea. Why do people that are the most like us make us the most crazy?!
He's got a heart of GOLD, that one. His longing to be near to his Creator, to HEAR his Creator is unlike any child his age I've seen. When he is corrected, he is truly contrite.
But he's SIX. So he acts like he's SIX. A six year old boy, complete with a seemingly endless array of horribly obnoxious noises and play voices. And absentmindedness.
I'm really good at being creative with my hands. I've spend most of my life making things. Really just for the sake of making things. It helps me feel sane. Connected. Like I'm practicing at a gift I've been given. I have NO idea how to be creative in my mothering. I have NO idea how to be creative in my discipline and in my encouragement and in my enthusiasm of yet another day of junk strewn everywhere, high pitched screechy boy noises coming from the four corners of the house
So there's that.
Some days I don't know how to be patient with my four year old who won't stop lying. Blatantly. About most things. For NO REASON AT ALL! That child does something to my heart, HAS done something to my heart since the very day he was born that I cannot figure out. I cannot describe. I love him intensely. But he tests the bounds of my patience.
Some days I don't know how to have the energy to help my two year old through his bouts of anger that he doesn't understand. Through the screaming and selfishness that comes with being two. Through the grabbing and "mine" attitude. And he's a REALLY.EASY two year old.
Some days I want to throw the towel in on the breast feeding thing and just be done, even though it's going wonderfully. I'd still have to SIT and feed Luke. But for some reason it seems like it would be easier to not have to hike my shirt up every 3 hours. It wouldn't. But it feels like it would.
So many days I don't know how to organize my thoughts and settle them down. I don't know how to prioritize my time and my days and my creative energy that I can't seem to use.
So many project ideas. SO many things I want to make, and sew, and document with my camera.
Some days I feel junky because I haven't exercised more than picking the baby up for several days in a row, but WHY would I spend time doing that instead of making something.
AND WHEN DO I DO A QUIET TIME?!
Some days I feel like a crap dump wife because I didn't even find, (take) the time to read the synopsis my husband posted to our Facebook small group page so I know what our discussion for that week is going to be! I FEEL like there's NOT TIME!
HOW IS THERE TIME FOR THAT?!!
How do mothers find time?
How do I not screw my kids up?
How do I continue day in and day out to be patient and gracious with four little crazy people?
How do I not become an angry mom?
How do I push away every ounce of selfishness that still remains?!
HOW do I be ok with the fact that my husband wants to do overseas medical missions. How do I obey the calling I feel I have to have a large family.
THATS THE OTHER THING!
I don't understand WHY! I don't understand WHY God picked ME to have a "large" family! I don't think I CAN understand. I can't see the big picture in this one. I know, almost with full certainty, that Luke isn't our last child. I love my flock of tiny crazy little chicks, but wouldn't ONE have been so much easier!? But to pick just ONE of them! No way! I want more and I DON'T.KNOW.WHY!!!!
And people look at me like I'm crazy when I say we probably aren't done. Some of my FAMILY looks at me like I'm crazy. They've all but TOLD me that I'm crazy. That WE are crazy. They don't understand it. And I don't blame them, because I don't either.
They make me crazy.
I often feel like I live with wild animals.
I want SO badly to do right by my tiny boys. To train them up in the way that they each INDIVIDUALLY must go. That means parenting each one differently. 6 1/2 years into this gig and I am JUST now starting to SORT of figure out a tiny bit of that. To raise up boys that will shout His name from the mountain tops and proclaim His glory to all nations. THEY are my mission field, and they.are.so.difficult. And I have REALLY good boys!
Today is desperate day.
And you older mothers. You mothers that no longer have small children, pray for us. Pray for us mothers with small children. Our world's tiny next ups needs a lot of prayer. Their mamas need a lot of prayer. These days are blessed. But these are desperate days.
It is by His grace. And that is all.