Decrease

I'm weary and worn and frustrated.  I'm tired of automatically slipping into panic mode when my ear issues rear their ugly head.  I went months with roaring and decreased hearing.  Had a mini vertigo attack a couple weeks ago, and then almost two straight weeks of better hearing and less tinnitus than I've had in years.  I had another mini vertigo attack this Monday, and am still recovering from it.  I was looking up on google yesterday to find salt intake and vertigo and the relationship between the two.  I came across these articles and feel like this finally is something that just hits the nail on the head with the symptoms I'm having, but Josh, as always, is skeptical.  I get frustrated that he won't listen more closely to exactly what I'm saying, but I understand - we've had this conversation, as he has said, SO many times in the last 4 1/2 years.  And he's a physician.  He NEEDS to be skeptical and analyze from every angle before just buying into something.

http://www.ent.uci.edu/clinical-specialties/ear-surgery/vertigo

http://vestibular.org/migraine-associated-vertigo-mav

http://www.essentialbaby.com.au/forums/index.php?/topic/1031268-mav-or-vestibular-migraine/

A vestibular migraine diagnosis would answer SO many questions.  It would just make so much sense!  The headaches, weird eye site problems I've had off and on, why its all worse when I'm nursing.  Three babies now that I've nursed since this all started, and that's when it's been the worst!  

I panicked yesterday after reading these articles, frustrated that there was MORE food that I would have to give up and that weaning Luke would probably be the best bet for getting better quickly.  I had a mild panic attack.  I didn't know what to do with myself.  I prayed, paced, and cried for a good hour.  I had emailed Josh when I found the articles and he called.  He talked me down from my panic and was able to calm my mind.  I know he shouldn't be the one I rely on to calm my mind, but I do.  When I climbed in bed last night I pulled my same three books off the nightstand and read through the daily entries in them.  There are some nights when I lay down and read that I think it was convenient that the days events lined up with the books words that way; that I could apply the words.  Last night after reading through those I was certain that God rearranged the pages for me to read the exact words that I read.  

And then this morning while the boys were watching a movie after our walk in the hot sun, I sat on the living room floor and read this:

I very much feel like I'm being emptied.  Like I'm being minimized and taken down to just bare bones.  I don't feel like myself, I have so little energy at a time in my life where I feel like I depend on having energy.  Four little boys at home and no energy is so very challenging.  I'm exhausted, I'm tired, I'm emotional, I'm drained, I don't feel healthy and I'm scared to eat for fear that something might tip off another attack.

I must decrease in order for Him to increase!

Decreasing, I am!

Lean hard into Jesus.