Follow hard
/
Irritability is my foe. It's my struggle and my temptation. It's my go-to emotion when trials with my four boys stare me in the face, tiny or seemingly insurmountable. It demotivates me and puts pressure on my children that they shouldn't have to bare. There are days I successfully step into my Creator's hands and allow him to help me ward it off, fighting to maintain my composure, my grace, my gentle spirit (which I struggle to have), and there are days that I'm certain if my boys were asked to draw a likeness of me the paper would reveal and unruly snarly creature looming over the viewer, grumpy beyond all reason and for no apparent reason. I believe this to be a very typical mom struggle. Either it is, or I just happen to have ALL friends that voice this frustration.
That irritability seems easier than patience. Easier than grace.
That no matter how badly I want these children, no matter how badly I want to do right by them and raise them up to be followers of Christ and men after His heart. That no matter how many good behavior moments they have - one strike of bad behavior and I hop down into that all too familiar rut I've dug out - the one piled high with the muck of disapproval, of inconsistent reactions to familiar situations.
And then
There's days that I am overcome with the urge to never stop kissing their perfect flawless little faces, their soft skin, and funny little boy bodies. The want to gather them all up and grow arms long to wrap around all four of them like a feathery, protective eagle and sway them and gush over them.
They pull my heart this way and that, in whatever way I allow.
Because it's ME that allows it. It's no fault of their own. Though they are FILLED with fault. And they are filled with sin. And destructive natures that must be gently taught out. They are born into sin. They are born into selfishness. They are born into unruliness.
And that frustrates me beyond all reason.
the irony - that I was too.
And I'm being asked to grow them and help them - even while I struggle because of them (because I allow myself to adopt the attitudes I shouldn't)
that I've been given the task of bringing up four small boys and raising them, with the oh so needed help of their beloved Daddy, in the way they should go. To follow hard after Him. And I do this. I do it day in and day out. I do it while I struggle with my own sinful nature. While I struggle through and with my irritability and impatience and lack of grace, and attitude of disapproval.
I do it with handfuls of diapers from yesterday littering the house, all bound up and cold with old pee. I do this with three pairs of different sized feet tracking dirt onto my white living room rug (yes, white was a bit foolish) and one tiny pair of feet with lint all caught up between the toes because his socks haven't been changed in a couple of days. I do this with food from breakfast dried hard on the table and fork stab marks from 6 years of abuse from little boys that are 2 years old.
I do this with fluctuating hearing and almost constant mild vertigo and non stop tinnitus and strange sensitivity to sound (for whatever reason)
I do this with a six year old who daily tests his knowledge with us, certain that he's much more intelligent than either me or his dad.
I do this with a four year old who lies, so much, about most things, for no apparent reason - but that has a spirit that I can see down in there, precious and so eager to figure out how to follow and live for his Creator.
I do this with a 2 year old who has set aside his docile and content ways for (hopefully temporary) frantic emotion and refusal to comply.
I do this, as I type this, with a four month old with a horse voice screaming in his swing because he awoke too early from his nap and doesn't know how to process that.
I do this with dishes needing to be done, and sour laundry in a dryer that keeps quitting, and clothes needing mending, and a two year old NEEDING to be potty trained, and school lessons needing to be taught to my oldest, and a marriage needing tending to.
I do this.
And I want to dive into these:
I want to dive into these and soak up wisdom and soak up ideas and thoughts that don't come from a 2, 4, or 6 year old. I want to dive into these and feel refreshed and knowledgeable and capable and alive. But when? In my sin and laziness I lay on the couch during nap time. I sleep and then that iPad sits on the couch with me as I scroll and gaze at other people's lives, too lethargic to get off the couch and improve my own.
The Bible is filled with sinful individuals called to do great things. Sinful people to lead other sinful people.
grace patience
kindess gentleness
self control
These are the things I daily strive to teach my boys, to ingrain in them, even as I struggle through them myself - I struggle WITH these as I try to teach these
And it's apparent to them that I struggle - and sometimes they call me out on it - and then I struggle more because of that
And to follow hard after Him. That is the biggest of all.
I lose site of that. That that is the most important lesson I can teach. If all else fails, if nothing else takes - follow hard after Him. Follow hard after Him, boys.
Follow hard after Him.
It certainly isn't easy trying to teach if I don't do it myself.
Set aside all else and follow HARD after Him. All else will fall into place.
That irritability seems easier than patience. Easier than grace.
That no matter how badly I want these children, no matter how badly I want to do right by them and raise them up to be followers of Christ and men after His heart. That no matter how many good behavior moments they have - one strike of bad behavior and I hop down into that all too familiar rut I've dug out - the one piled high with the muck of disapproval, of inconsistent reactions to familiar situations.
And then
There's days that I am overcome with the urge to never stop kissing their perfect flawless little faces, their soft skin, and funny little boy bodies. The want to gather them all up and grow arms long to wrap around all four of them like a feathery, protective eagle and sway them and gush over them.
They pull my heart this way and that, in whatever way I allow.
And that frustrates me beyond all reason.
the irony - that I was too.
And I'm being asked to grow them and help them - even while I struggle because of them (because I allow myself to adopt the attitudes I shouldn't)
that I've been given the task of bringing up four small boys and raising them, with the oh so needed help of their beloved Daddy, in the way they should go. To follow hard after Him. And I do this. I do it day in and day out. I do it while I struggle with my own sinful nature. While I struggle through and with my irritability and impatience and lack of grace, and attitude of disapproval.
I do it with handfuls of diapers from yesterday littering the house, all bound up and cold with old pee. I do this with three pairs of different sized feet tracking dirt onto my white living room rug (yes, white was a bit foolish) and one tiny pair of feet with lint all caught up between the toes because his socks haven't been changed in a couple of days. I do this with food from breakfast dried hard on the table and fork stab marks from 6 years of abuse from little boys that are 2 years old.
I do this with fluctuating hearing and almost constant mild vertigo and non stop tinnitus and strange sensitivity to sound (for whatever reason)
I do this with a six year old who daily tests his knowledge with us, certain that he's much more intelligent than either me or his dad.
I do this with a four year old who lies, so much, about most things, for no apparent reason - but that has a spirit that I can see down in there, precious and so eager to figure out how to follow and live for his Creator.
I do this with a 2 year old who has set aside his docile and content ways for (hopefully temporary) frantic emotion and refusal to comply.
I do this, as I type this, with a four month old with a horse voice screaming in his swing because he awoke too early from his nap and doesn't know how to process that.
I do this with dishes needing to be done, and sour laundry in a dryer that keeps quitting, and clothes needing mending, and a two year old NEEDING to be potty trained, and school lessons needing to be taught to my oldest, and a marriage needing tending to.
I do this.
And I want to dive into these:
I want to dive into these and soak up wisdom and soak up ideas and thoughts that don't come from a 2, 4, or 6 year old. I want to dive into these and feel refreshed and knowledgeable and capable and alive. But when? In my sin and laziness I lay on the couch during nap time. I sleep and then that iPad sits on the couch with me as I scroll and gaze at other people's lives, too lethargic to get off the couch and improve my own.
The Bible is filled with sinful individuals called to do great things. Sinful people to lead other sinful people.
grace patience
kindess gentleness
self control
These are the things I daily strive to teach my boys, to ingrain in them, even as I struggle through them myself - I struggle WITH these as I try to teach these
And it's apparent to them that I struggle - and sometimes they call me out on it - and then I struggle more because of that
And to follow hard after Him. That is the biggest of all.
I lose site of that. That that is the most important lesson I can teach. If all else fails, if nothing else takes - follow hard after Him. Follow hard after Him, boys.
Follow hard after Him.
It certainly isn't easy trying to teach if I don't do it myself.
Set aside all else and follow HARD after Him. All else will fall into place.