So many lessons

Of all the times I think I will be sorry I didn't keep up with writing, these last couple months will be at the top of the list.  The growth that has happened has been tremendous, and tremendously painful, and tremendously beautiful.  

I've decided to take a break from facebook for a while as it tends to leave me reeling with sleepless nights over the rehashing of depressing news articles - the world is hurting, badly, and I feel like my heart is so raw from my own life right now, and those immediately surrounding me, that losing sleep over other people's pain can't be a priority.  I know there's a balance - right now trying to shield myself from as much as possible and trusting the Lord for his future-grace of those people just as I'm learning to trust him for my own future is what needs to happen.  I loved Face Book when it was just status updates - I wish there was a setting that cut out all news articles from my news feed, but there's not, and I end up seeing stuff I can't seem to get past - and I lose nights of sleep over it.  So, for a while, I'm out.

That leaves me here - where over a year ago I thought would become my main area of word/thought output, but I drifted back to Face Book because it's easier and less maintenance and honestly less hassle for those trying to keep track of us.  I've been surprised and blessed by the number of people messaging and asking for the password.  Thank you, all!  Thank you for taking an interest in our lives and for your diligent prayers!  

So, we have less than a week left here in Grand Junction, CO at my in-laws house.  Instead of rethinking and retyping it all here's a post I put up on facebook a while back about my thoughts about here and leaving:

June 20, 2016
I remember the first time I came down here (almost exactly 13 years ago) when Josh and I had just started dating. I drove in to town, navigated my way to the Storey's house and over that next week fell completely in love with Grand Junction (and him and his family) and how much it reminded me (and still does) of my childhood home, Powell Wyoming. Over the past 13 years that we've been together this has always been home base. It's familiar, comfortable, safe, and has never ceased to provide respite. We've talked for years of completing our commitment to the AF and moving here to plant roots before pursuing overseas missions. We've brought our babies in to this home and marked their height on the door at the top of the stairs, where the entire extended family is cataloged as they grow. 
Rob and Lyn never saw themselves leaving here - the plan was to retire and stay put - this is home for all of us Storeys. 
Last night as Josh and I lay in bed I cried a good hard cry about it being our last night together in this house. This is where my memories of our together-ness started. This is where we call home. This is where my boys think of when they think of Grampy and Grammie's house. In the next 7 weeks (or more) before we see Josh again we will pack our few belongings up from this house, and dot our way across the land to stay with my side of the family while Rob and Lyn pack up their home of 15 years and move it to Omaha. We'll join them there in early August and await Josh's departure from Turkey before making our way up to North Dakota for the last year of our AF commitment.

To think that one year ago today, we were still on the island.

What.a.year.

King Solomon said, "Better is the end of a thing than it's beginning." But OH how painful the end of things can be!

That sums it up.  I wept in bed last night about that - about leaving here in less than a week.  I have a feeling there will be a lot more tears as the days slip away and the long drive East and then North approaches.  Trying to manage my own emotions about it all and figuring out how to help the boys manage theirs (they are losing their ever living minds!) is a task to behold!  Ufda!  I've told Josh many times I just don't want to do it - I don't want to do it at all, especially alone.  The beautiful part of that - the part about him being stuck in Turkey packing our house while the rest of us dot the country side is that is teaches me reliance on my primary provider.  I'd love to have Him sit in the passenger seat next to me, and be there to take over when my boys are challenging my authority and patience - he won't be bodily, but that certainly doesn't change his omnipresence.  

My circumstances don't limit his omnipresence, but my attitude certainly effects my ability to see and respect it, and trust in it - in Him.

 I've been learning obedience and trust in uncomfortable ways, as well.  Obedience issues that have been weighing me down for a good 10 days -  My dear groom, from a half a world away took the lead and made a decision for me that I couldn't seem to make myself, but not before listening to me weep (and being confused as to why) on facetime with him last night and then message him before I went to bed and then again when I woke up - telling him why I just couldn't seem to clear my head and figure out what was the right thing to do- over iMessenger he asked if he could make the decision for me and did when I said yes, and just like that, the weight was lifted.  I knew deep down, for many reasons including my own yuck sinful selfish heart, that it was the right decision, but I had perseverated over it for so many days that I had worked myself into a ball of confusion and anxiety about it.  Phew.  Glad to be done with that.  I won't say it was the most comfortable side of the coin (because I'm selfish), but the flip side was so wildly uncomfortable that that alone was confirmation.  Obedience is so painful and difficult sometimes and I am so utterly thankful for a patient and gracious husband that helps me make Godly decisions.  It was so eye opening - my four deal with obedience.  Obviously.  Because foolishness is bound up in the heart of a child.  I hadn't experienced this kind of dilemma in a long while - it opened my eyes to their daily struggle with obeying the rules and boundaries I've given them, and choosing that obedience with a good attitude.  I understand the, "I just don't wanna!" attitude!  But the rules and boundaries are for their good.  Just like the Spirit leading me to obey through this specific action was for my good.  That boils down to small things, too.  Prayer, time in the Word, (oh my goodness do I ever need more discipline in those areas!), not worrying, not doubting his future grace for me and my boys and my husband and all the ones I love, not fretting about or being bitter about this pesky ear disease, and on and on it continues.  It's been an exhausting year, and a really exhausting few months.  But oh so beautiful!  Thank you, sweet Jesus, for your grace!

On the ear thing:  it seems perpetually stuffed for the last week or so and I keep waiting for an attack to hit, but it doesn't.  I've gone to bed many times anticipating being woken by one, but when I wake the next morning everything is the same.  It's bizarre and confusing, just like this disease - but I am learning to trust in the sweet Lord's future grace.  He gives me what I need for today - I need not worry that he will fail, because he never does.  He never has, never will.  I find I am much less miserable about it all if I just keep myself busy, regardless of how off balance (literally) I am feeling.  Rocking on a boat is no fun and I spend a good lot of my time feeling that way - maybe I should become a sailor!  Maybe it would counter the rocking in my head!  hmmm..........  I don't suppose there's much sailing to be had in North Dakota.  
If I take the boys places, and read to them, and wrestle with them and find ways to focus outwardly I feel a whole lot better - or I don't....I just notice the junky feeling less.  Anyway, enough about that.

The boys, like I said, are kind of losing their ever living minds.  They are hurting and it shows up differently for each personality.  One gets ticks, that he cycles through, and has ever since he was little and things change - stress causes ticks for him.  They are quite pronounced right now.  I don't think I have done an adequate job of encouraging and reassuring him in this time - gotta work on that with all of them!
One gets really aggressive and angry and mean with his brothers, and it just breaks my heart.  He's such a tender spirited boy, but stress brings out some serious ugly in that little heart of his.  He has an beautiful sweet side and will let it peek out now and then, but stressful times for him (each time we've moved) have proven to cause a great amount of anxiety for him that bring out these sad parts.  We have a lot of heart-check talks.
One is on the defense seemingly all.the.time - he appears to assume everyone is out to get him and hurt him and make him sad.  Sometimes those feeling are accurate when it comes to his brothers, but most of the time it's just his stress and insecurity about the piling moving boxes and lack of Daddy's presence manifesting.
And the other one just cries - he's a hot mess most days anymore.  He settles down for a short time if he can just have a shoulder to rest on - or a lap to sit on in the rocking chair.
Sweet boys.  It's hard to figure out how to explain a process to them that confuses me.  These past 4 month have been so wildly confusing and painful and weird, I don't think I know enough about what the heck is going on to explain it to them.  So, we just weep together sometimes.  On a bed, or the couch, or in the car.  They are incredibly compassionate and gracious and patient when they see I'm emotional or sick or just out of sorts.  They are surprisingly in tune with my needs - sometimes I think more than I am with theirs.  :/

Goodness, well, that's probably about enough for now.  That's a long post, but it's been a long while since I updated, so that should fill in pretty well with where we are at.  For a while here I will post the links to face book, because I know I personally want to keep up and know what is happening in my friends lives, but if it's not on facebook where everything else is I tend to forget.  I have a tab always open in my safari that is a dear friend's blog, because that is honest to goodness the only way I will remember - I want to know her story, her life, but my own life gets in the way of that sometimes.  SO, I will post the link for a while.  There's also the option to sign up for email notifications when a post has been published  - up at the top of the page on the left - on top of the previous posts and their dates that are listed.

I love you, sweet community.  Thank you for tracking with us and for praying!

Grace and Peace!
Rebekah